Monday, September 10, 2018

On being a Judgmental prick

It's really no secret.  I'm kind of a judgmental prick, known to hold others in lower esteem than myself.  Part of the selfish nature with which my mind works I suppose.  I don't like that I'm like this, but it's been this way for a long time.  For some reason I just have this constant stream of thoughts where I'm looking down on those around me for their words and actions.

I tend to think it's because most people are stupid and I instantly compare their intelligence to mine, which tends to fall quite short (don't worry, I'll write about my arrogance at some point), and that's not a very fair assessment as everyone has something to offer the world.  Or so I've been told.

My therapist has told me that I hold people to a certain standard in my mind and that it tends to be at such a high level that I've created a cyclical form of self-sabotage because essentially no one can live up to it.  This allows for me to continue to judge everyone in a negative light as they've "failed" me in some way or another.  Again, I don't like this about myself and it's entirely unfair.

But, to be honest, while I can admit that my standards for others may be too high, I do still believe that the general population can't easily impress me, even were I to lower the bar.  This type of thinking unfortunately leaves me feeling ostracized, though in reality it's me who is the one pushing everyone else away, and I more often than not prefer to be alone due to this.

All of this leaves me in a frequent pattern of seeking solace in my own thoughts, then wracked with loneliness after a time, which leads me to searching for intimacy and conversation with others only to be let down by their inherent inability to live up to my expectations.  None of this is conducive to a healthy romantic relationship, alas.

Again...something I need to work on in therapy.

Take care of yourselves.

-Phil

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