Sunday, September 9, 2018

Selfish-ism

If I'm completely honest with everyone, I'm selfish.  I do care about others, for sure, but the fact remains that at the end of the day I don't seem capable of caring for others more than I care for myself.  This is a tough dichotomy that contrasts with my low self-esteem that I really can't understand too readily.

The reason I'm saying that I'm a practitioner of Selfish-ism is that I find that my most prevalent thought throughout my day to day is of myself and what's happening to, or affecting me.  Now, I already know I'm not a narcissist, my therapist has assured me, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm inherently selfish.

While I do care about others and will do favors for people, there is always this undercurrent in my thoughts of what I can get out of it in the long run.  Is this a pervasively evil way to think?  I don't know.  I'm just being honest.

The Selfish-ism also comes into play when I start thinking about why I'm incapable of being successful at the things that I think I want in life.  I might be delusional, but I've always had this idea that I could be writer, or a painter, or some sort of personality that I can subsist from.  But then, I also find that I don't want to put in all the effort that seems to be needed for such types of success.

It's like the selfish part of my mind is saying something like, "You shouldn't have to try so hard because all of these fuckers owe you something".  What the fuck is that about?

I'm actually quite disgusted and ashamed of these thoughts, but I don't really know how to quell them and think more positively for others.  It's not just a self-preservation thing either.  It's some odd belief that the world owes me something.  What horeshit!

Something to be addressed in therapy I guess...fuck sake.  Just another issue.

Take care of yourselves.

-Phil

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